Life does change …

Recently I have been trying my best to adapt with this new rhytm of life. Eventually, life does change, not the people. Slowly but sure, people seem to change. In fact, the life itself force them to change. Then I stopped a while… to see around.

It is not the people, but, yeah… damn… life changes everything.

Suddenly my friends got married—some with the one they love, but the other with someone you didn’t expect them to be married to.

It got me headache to realize those changes happened in short of time. even though it wasn’t that fast. I need much more time to accept those changes; you can’t hangout with them as flexible as before, they have got spouse to take care of.  You… still mumbling about the problems you got at work, still complaining about the family members… still dealing with childish stuffs. Meanwhile… out there, your friends have grown up to be a whole adult with adult stuffs and problems.

You—I, too hurt to say that is myself.

Somehow… I often feel like I’m being left behind caused by all of the sudden event that adults normally do.

Somehow it makes me think that I don’t put as much effort as they do.

Somehow it makes me think that I’m not growing.

Somehow it makes me blame myself more often these days, but I’m too tired to think about that, also I cannot stop myself doing that. This is an evil cycle.

Somehow I’m mad at them that they’re not waiting for me. But then I realize… it’s not their fault. It’s all about the choice. As people said, “Life is a choice.”

I find myself feel safe around my students. They are kids. They are safe from many responsibilities. Even though they are not free from their parents’ expectation and pressure, at least, I can feel more human with them. I can say that I’m sad when I am feeling sad. I can say that I’m dizzy when I am feeling dizzy. I don’t need to pretend to be okay with them. 

Looking into their eyes… so pure and sincere. I don’t need to be afraid to be judged in front of them. I can be just who I am.

It’s getting more complicated with adults—especially with your own parents. It’s not that I’m not grateful for having parents like my parents… it’s just something that seems not right. I don’t communicate well with them. I don’t know how, to be honest. I don’t know how to start, I don’t know how to deliver my feelings or thoughts to them, even I don’t know how to tell what I want to them. I always feel wrong, I always feel failed, I always feel that I will never be able to achieve what they want me to achieve. It makes me depressed, for sure.

To get home after work with many feelings burdening my mind and heart… I never expect anything but some space to be just me and have some rest.

To get home and act like life goes well every day isn’t easy.

To work with many people, as a person who easily absorbs other’s energy, is not easy at all. I got exhausted almost every day. I gain some positivity from my cheerful students. I think I have none in myself. Thus, I need to absorb as much as I can from others.

Well… life does change people. I don’t know whether I change as well or not, but I think people around me change a lot that I feel I will never be able to reach them again and prefer not to bother them with this childish me. Thus, I feel more lonely. Thus, I get depressed more often. He, he, he.

I think I am full of fear of everything. I don’t know how to grow more courage and be more mature as an adult. I… just do not know how to start. I don’t have anything to grow as a proper adult, I guess.

I feel injured to see my friends grow and grow as proper adult… running a business, working well, being well-paid, getting married, having family, living their own new life, having a house, driving car, living life as normal people.

Wait—

I got a headache trying to pull out all the negative thoughts from my head.

Argh.

I am dreaming of a simple new life as an adult, but I often feel failed to live as “a new adult” because I’m too childish and less realistic. Damn, my mind is very tired of being logical. Damn, my heart hurts every time I heard my friend getting married and start new life. Damn, what is wrong with me?!

Can’t you just be focus on your own path? Can’t you just be focus on your own progress and process? Can’t you just stop looking at others’ life? You know it is depressing to be focus on someone else, but why don’t you stop and turn around?

Sometimes I can be focus on just me and appreciate what I have been through… but not for a long time. Damn. It makes me hate people.

I want to fast forward my timeline to get to things I want to achieve and to the dreams I want to make true… 

Well… ~